Funny Famous Quotes

There are tons of funny quotes from famous people -- even those with a somewhat serious reputation, like WWII hero Winston Churchill: "However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results."

You have to love it when they're not only funny, but true.

No matter what sort of famous and funny quotes you're looking for, this will be a treasure chest of laughter.

We have everything from humorous statements from politicians to funny famous movie quotes -- such as this one from Ace Ventura, Pet Detective: "If I'm not back in five minutes, wait longer!"

Somewhere in this selection of funny famous quotes is something to tickle you just right, so don't give up -- keep searching till you find it..

However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill

If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen

Have no fear of perfection -- you'll never reach it.
- Salvador Dali

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Bertrand Russell

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
- Joseph Heller

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

For God's sake give me the young man who has brains enough to make a fool of himself.
- Robert L Stevenson

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
- Lucille Ball

Cheer up. The worst is yet to come.
- Mark Twain

The Pregnant Turkey

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999.

ONE YEAR at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, You've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep, you got it....

SHE'S BLONDE!
Source: Urban Legends

The Wrong Bank

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING."

Source: Urban Legends

Biscuits for Brains

THERE WAS a sweet older lady who would often do grocery shopping for the infirm and elderly in her church. One hot, summer day a lady asked her to pick up a few things and bring them by her house in a dangerous part of Baltimore City. The sweet old lady was wary but felt that she couldn't say no, even though she was terrified of driving in the part of the city that often had shoot-outs and other drug violence. Anyway, the woman went on her way, picked up the groceries and proceeded to the lady's house.

As she entered the lady's neighborhood she noticed young hoodlums gathering on every street corner. Although she had no air conditioning in the car, she rolled the windows up tightly (as a safety precaution) and suffered in the 90+ degree heat.

She drove ahead until suddenly she heard a loud "POP!" and felt a jolt to the back of her head. She reached to feel the back of her head and came back with a wet oozing mess that she was sure was part of her brain! Knowing that she had been shot, the woman turned around and raced to a local hospital.

Somehow she made it to the emergency room and had the strength to walk right in. She told the attendant that she had been shot. Immediately she was rushed back to an exam room. Doctors whirled around and asked where she had been shot (since they saw no blood). She said "my head," and the doctors found a mass of the oozing white substance the woman had first noticed.

Upon inspection the doctors realized that the white substance wasn't part of her brain but was instead a lump of biscuit dough (the kind in a can) that had exploded from the heat of her car!

Source: Urban Legends

In Lieu of a Loo

A YOUNG lady has a new, well-to-do boyfriend. He suggests that she come and meet his parents by having dinner at their place. After a pleasant drive into the country he pulls into a long, impressive drive and she is shocked to find that "their place" is a huge country estate. The door is opened by a butler, who shows the couple in. It's a very impressive, stately home with history, etc.

Everything goes well as they are given drinks and introduced. Being a normal, working class girl, she is a bit awestruck and worried about making a faux pas or breaking some rule of etiquette she is unaware of.

After several drinks she relaxes and they are shown into the dining room for a large feast. Halfway through dinner, the girl, having drunk a fair bit, needs the loo. In her best, polite manner she asks for "the bathroom?" and is shown out of the room by a servant and pointed upstairs to a room.

It's a huge house with many rooms and she finds what she thinks is the right door, only to find a "bathroom" — i.e., no toilet, just a sink and bath. As she only needs a quick wee, she locks the door, hitches up her skirt and, balancing one leg on the bath, sits on the pedestal sink. Unfortunately, it starts to tip over and she hits her head on the bath and knocked unconscious.

She is awakened by a commotion as the door is pushed in and her new boyfriend and family burst in to see her, knickers down, skirt raised and soaking wet, with the broken sink on the floor and water pouring everywhere!!!

Source: Urban Legends

The Zoo Parking Attendant

Subject: A well-planned retirement

From The London Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars 1 pound (about $1.40) and coaches 5 (about $7). This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management, "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Er... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Er... no", said Bristol Zoo management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Er... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at 400 pounds (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 3.6 million pounds ($7 million).

And no one even knows his name.

Source: Urban Legends

The Kangaroo Thief

THESE TWO guys my friend knows work for Chase Bank. Every year they go to Australia for a big, bank-sponsored golf tournament. This past year, these guys and their team won the entire tournament and went on to drink lots of beers and celebrate while wearing their newly-won green tournament jackets.

After drinking up a storm, they plopped into their rented car and were driving on deserted roads nearby when they accidentally hit a large kangaroo. Getting out of the car, they realized that the kangaroo had died in the accident.

Being so drunk, though, they propped up the kangaroo, its lifeless head bouncing from one side to the other, dressed it in one of their new green jackets, and took pictures of themselves with their arms around it.

After a few minutes of picture-taking, the guys were shocked when it seemed that the kangaroo came back to life! It turns out that the poor kangaroo wasn't dead, but it had passed out, and when it came back to consciousness started to box with the drunken guys! It actually broke one guy's jaw!! It then hopped away into the landscape.

The men couldn't drive their rented car, as the keys were in the green jacket, which was still on the kangaroo, so they had to walk back to the tournament. A little while later, a pack of kangaroos was seen in the distance, one of them wearing the green jacket.

Source: Urban Legends